Fashion distress: it runs in the jeans

Published September 8, 2011, in The Advocate

School has begun once again. Welcome back, kids (I can say that now, I’m a senior). As everyone knows, you have to get something new for school every year.  Whether you get a new haircut, a new pair of jeans, a new BIC pen or a new Barbie folder — which I did buy for myself — you have to get something.

Even for the majority of us college-agers, we somehow feel the need to look a tad different than the previous semester. This desire to impress, surprise or remind people of how edgy or cute we are can become depressing when we realize how little we’ve actually changed. I have come to full terms with the fact that I sported blunt bangs and long, non-layered hair beginning at the tender age of 7 years young.

My best advice for anyone needing closet counseling is to steer clear of unsound fashion advice that could have been written by 12 year olds who are turning into carbon copies of their unnaturally tan, valley-girl speaking and manicured mothers. This is more difficult than it may seem to the untrained eye.

Allure magazine recently had an article on the “10 Hottest New Fall Hair Ideas.” I scoffed as I clicked through each picture. Styles such as “loose braids,” “low ponytails” and “half-up hair” were said to be “new,” though they are older than Methuselah. Yes, they are classics, but they are by no means “new,” even if a stylist named Guido is telling us so.

Don’t worry, it gets even worse. In another article featured on MSN titled, “What Your Jeans Say About You (According to Guys!),” I knew I would find plenty of tips and comments written by fake men.

According to this article — and, according to guys, hehe! — “Hip, edgy jeans make him think you’re too cool for school.” We don’t want that, or do we? Is that good or bad? Am I really too cool for school?

Should I drop out?

Don’t believe everything you read. Also, note that, “Intentionally frayed or distressed jeans distress him.” I will give them this.  Overly distressed jeans could distress anyone, not only the cute metrosexual in your accounting class.

As sad as these featured articles were, I couldn’t help but read more of them. Of course these articles are being featured, when people like me are reading them for nothing but to nitpick and critique each line. It is I who promote such faulty fashion advice with each click of the mouse (or lack thereof). They’re purposely out to get the picky reader and the reader who knows nothing at all. The in-betweeners don’t care.

Perhaps everything has already been done. There are no new looks. The fashion world has obviously gone green because it recycles everything. Someday, maybe not too far into the future, every man may start wearing tights and skirts again, bowl cuts — kill me now — will return vehemently and corsets will be required after the empire waist goes out of vogue, once more.

Oh, well. As long as you go forth and conquer the semblance you are attempting to pull off, keep reading — and therefore, promoting — these articles full of faux pas and “duh” moments. And by all means, walk around campus sporting a “new” look. You have my blessing. But please, no bowl cuts.



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