Women revealed: Love tactics

Published September 21, 2011, in MSUM’s, The Advocate

There appears to be a profuse amount of confusion when it comes to understanding the female psyche, especially for males.

To aid you men of the land in your quest to capture the heart of an unassuming damsel, I have included the following 11 guidelines. She’ll be yours before you can utter, “Thank you, Meghan. Your heart is kind and true.”

1. After inviting her to accompany you on a dinner date, make sure you go Dutch. Females in this day and age are independent. Naturally, she will be offended by your chauvinistic manner of implying that she isn’t as successful as you, and would therefore need you to provide financial assistance for the meal. Don’t be a cad.

2. Don’t ever try holding her hand. If she wanted to hold your hand, she’d have started it herself.

3. Let her be the man. We’ve been waiting to wear the pants in relationships since the dawn of time. If any issues arise, let her be the one to bring it up. That’s not your job. However, most men have caught on to this by now and follow it religiously.

4. Make, no, LET her take out the trash, even though she does everything else around the place already.

5. Always leave the seat up, and never replace the toilet paper.

6. Stop complimenting us on our outward beauty. It makes you seem even shallower than we already know you are.

7. Remember: Even if you are in a relationship, feel free to flirt with as many females as you wish, but only if they are willing participants.

8. We love guessing games, especially when you stop talking to us. Don’t give us any hints as to why you’ve cut off all means of communication. We know you’re bad at communicating, so keep it comin’. I’m proud to say that some men have already mastered these tips (plus more!) and have been practicing this lifestyle almost flawlessly. For the rest of you, however, keep in mind that practice makes perfect.

9. Continue wearing penny loafers and rolled-up jeans to expose your chicken-legged calves. It gives you an almost Audrey Hepburn-esque aura and brings out your feminine sensitivity to style.

10. Keep that swagger of slumped-down shoulders and that blank look of indifference towards the world.

11. Don’t worry about introducing yourselves to us. We’ll come up to you.

Disclaimer: This column was full of lies and twisted humor. If you see yourself or anyone you love following any of the behaviors listed above, please find help immediately.

BY MEGHAN FEIR

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