Christmas letter from the unimportant

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Nobody cares about the single person. I mean, really, are there any single people who write Christmas letters giving updates about their own lives? I know I’ve never received one in my newspaper/coupon/electric bill-filled mailbox.

Established families are the special ones. They’re the ones with “their acts together.” If I’m not mentioned in my family’s Christmas card, I won’t be mentioned anywhere because there’s no way a single, alone person ever writes a Christmas letter about themselves.

So, to break the trend, in a way, this will be my year’s end update:

“I’m working two+ jobs and attempting to find a new roommate so I can still afford living in my current apartment and not get thrown out. I’m still going to school. I’m sick of it.”

Well, that was boring. Guess I won’t be trying that again.

Eventually, if you get married, that’s when it is customary to start writing a Christmas letter, which could go something like this:

“Well, Ted and I are getting accustomed to married life! It’s already been two months! I think we’re handling it pretty swell, considering we’re poor, despite putting our two incomes together. Those single kids have no idea what responsibility is. I can feel wisdom seeping into my skin every passing moment of marriage. I do his laundry and he gets the snow off my car. We enjoy making Easy Mac together.”

Wow. That was also really boring. If, by the time you have children, you haven’t begun writing yearly Christmas letters, then you really need to “get your act together.” It should go something like this when your family is young:

“Another year, another child. Ted and I are grateful for our growing family and continue adjusting to each stage of their development. Mabel barfed all over the couch the other day from eating too many Cheerios, and Martin is finally potty trained! With another one on the way, I’m craving pickles and mustard.”

Then, when your children have started flying the coop, you can write one like the following:

“‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,’ as Charles Dickens put it. Ted and I are getting old. Our kids have grown up. We don’t remember how to act with just the two of us around, as we focused our attention entirely on our children. We’ve decided to find common interests, like when we were young. Tomorrow, we will be going ice fishing. Maybe that doesn’t fit under ‘shared interests.’”

There are always other options. If, by chance, you end up being one of those families who are privileged enough to take yearly escapades to foreign countries, you can tell your tales and ignite envy in the hearts of your readers. Try this:

“As exciting as last year was with our trip to the Bahamas, Ted and I are EXTRA excited this year!!! We have plans for visiting our old relatives in Norway, and while we’re at it, we’re going to travel throughout Europe, living life as a perpetual honeymoon. I got a cold the other day, so that really took a lot out of me. I hate when bad things like that happen. It lasted three, whole days. I just hope we will be healthy for our numerous travels. Maybe we’ll bring you back a shirt if we have time to think about you unfortunate souls back home! HAAAH!!!”

As I’ve illustrated, there are various ways in which to write a Christmas letter, but you can only write them if you’re married and/or have children because Christmas letters are never supposed to REALLY be about you. They’re supposed to be about your family unit as a whole, showing you don’t care in the least about sharing what’s going on with you, personally, even if you do.

It’s not enough to be one person. You must be a complete package consisting of more than one individual.

As for me, I write too many Facebook statuses as it is, so writing a yearly update would be far too much information for anyone to consume.

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