Facebook letters provide explanation for disgust

Published February 29, 2012, in MSUM’s, The Advocate

In an ideal world, Facebook and Twitter would be for connecting and sharing with the people you want to stay in touch with your entire time spent on earth (and on the Internet). Unfortunately, since humans are still humans, a good concept has once again been turned into something partially horrible.

Before you post a snarky retort to one of your old classmates, think about it. Really, think about it. And, before you send a message of hate to someone you don’t even know, use your noggin, noodle or whatever else brains are called these days. Even online, posts reflect who you are as a person — surprise, surprise.

The Golden Rule should be enforced, even on the Internet. “Post unto others as you would have them post unto you,” should be our motto amidst the slew of prissy private messaging.

People are saying things they’d never have the guts to tell others in person. They won’t invest the energy into telling you, personally, what’s wrong in their lives or what problem they have with you as easily as they let their fingers tell their “followers” or “friends” online. Passive Aggressiveness has taken over social media accounts.

Many decide to post dramatically-charged statuses that make others’ minds want to implode from annoyance. The people who actually read those statuses will probably roll their eyes while they comment to the nearest being in their vicinity how dramatic and pitiful the poster is.

For your convenience, if you really need to let someone know how you feel about their Facebook statuses and tweets and you don’t have the heart to the block updates from them littering your newsfeed, I’ve included letters you may give to anyone who fits in one or more of these categories. I’m not guaranteeing a reform. In fact, it’s a better bet they’ll “unfriend” you. Also, I hold no responsibility if you actually do send these to someone.



Dear Fatigued Tapeworm,

Believe it or not, we don’t need to know every time you’re hungry or tired. Though they’re universal needs, it doesn’t give you an excuse to announce publicly every three hours that you, out of more than 60 percent of the world. Are. Hungry. Unless you are imprisoned in a dark cave with a wall of rocks blocking your only exit, and it just so happens you have your laptop with you and an excellent WiFi connection, please, leave your “I’m tired,” and “I’m so hungry” statuses in the black hole of your mind. I’m not going to bring you any food.

(Insert your name here)



Dear T.M.I.,

Every heartbreak, every triumph, what you ate, where you went, inside jokes that are inside for you, not me, therefore making them dull; I know everything about your whereabouts and life through your statuses. I know every time your boyfriend comes home to you and your child because there are constant notifications on my homepage. I know when he’s leaving. I know when he’s coming back home. I know you had a bad breakup a week ago. I know when you got back together. I know you’re sick of changing your child’s poopy diapers. Do I sound like a stalker? It’s because you made me that way.

(Insert your name here)



Dear Quote Hoarder,

You have more quotes on your Facebook wall than an actual book of quotes. Don’t get me wrong. I love quotes, but you’re abusing others’ words. You never say anything original. Even the things you do author on Twitter or Facebook are recycled pieces of cynicism and anger from previous thoughts.

“It’s funny how you think you actually mean something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong,” is the typical kind of quote you’d find and spread like germs by unknown quote masters via your Google search bar under “heartbreak quotes.” I’m having a hard time distinguishing if you did just lose a friend or go through a breakup because you’ve had the same type of statuses for the past five years.

The empathy I had for you wore off 493 tweets prior to this latest one.

(Insert your name here)



Though many of us have fallen prey to writing posts like these, don’t give up hope. There is always time for reform. We all have melodramatic moments now and then, but please, think before you post.

Don’t expose too much of yourself. You never know who’s reading your posts religiously. It may be your best friend. It may also be your boss, and they probably won’t be too impressed if you write suicidal statuses on a weekly basis.



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